“Anxiety is the apprehension cued off by a threat to some value which the individual holds essential to his existence.”
— Rollo May, The Meaning of Anxiety (1950)
May’s definition reminds us that anxiety isn’t just a feeling — it’s a response to something strongly important inside us.
We have all been there; I know I have!
When your heart starts racing, your head is spinning, your hands sweat, you can't catch your breath, or a heavy sense of fear settles into your chest out of nowhere.
Anxiety is exhausting, and when it hits, our instinct is to fight it, push it away, or blame ourselves for feeling so overwhelmed.
But what if your anxiety isn't a flaw or a defect?
What if it is a message?
As an integrative therapist with an attachment focus, I look at anxiety differently. Instead of just trying to force the symptoms to disappear, I want to help you understand the root cause. Very often, the anxiety we experience in our day-to-day is deeply connected to our attachment history and the way we learned to feel safe, or unsafe, in our earliest relationships and life transitions.
Here is how your past might be driving your current anxiety, and how we can begin to work through it together.
The blueprint of your anxiety
Our earliest relationships act as a blueprint and are usually with our parents or guardians, who are responsible for us. These relationships teach us what to expect from the world and from other people. If those early bonds felt unpredictable, distant, or conditional, our nervous systems adapted by staying on high alert to keep us safe. In adulthood, that high-alert state is exactly what anxiety feels like. It often shows up during major life changes, leaving us feeling completely disconnected from ourselves and those around us.
When you look at anxiety using an attachment lens, you realise it is often trying to protect you from two core fears.
The fear of being disconnected or left behind.
The fear of being overwhelmed or losing your independence.
When life changes, your brain views the uncertainty as a threat to your safety, and it turns up the volume on your anxiety.
How anxiety protects you
Anxiety is often your nervous system’s way of trying to keep you safe. If you grew up in an environment where you had to anticipate other people’s moods, manage chaos, or stay hyper‑aware to avoid conflict, your body learned that alertness equals safety. As an adult, that same alertness may switch on during life transitions, relationship changes, or periods of doubt. This doesn’t mean something is wrong with you — it means your body is doing what it learned to do. The work now is helping it learn that you are no longer in those old conditions.
Why anxiety feels so physical
Anxiety is more than a thought; it affects your whole body. When your system senses a threat, your body reacts as if danger is happening right now. This can even be an emotional threat rather than a physical threat. This full-body experience can make your heart beat fast, shorten your breath, tighten your stomach, and make your mind race so fast you feel dizzy. All these sensations are signs of activation, not weakness. It is your body preparing you to respond to the perceived threat. It is not to punish you. Being able to understand this can help soften any shame you feel around the way you react and help you meet your anxiety in a place of compassion as opposed to fear.
How can we soften the anxiety and move forward?
Shifting your relationship with anxiety can take time, but it can begin by changing how you respond to it.
The shift is from frustration with yourself to curiosity about yourself.
Next time anxiety shows up, try not to fight it. Let yourself pause and gently ask yourself, "What is this anxiety attempting to protect me from right now?"
Offer yourself a secure voice. When anxiety spikes, our inner critic (that voice that tells us we are doing everything wrong) usually takes over. Instead of listening to it, try speaking to yourself like a comforting friend and remind yourself: "I am safe in this moment. I can handle this change”.
Remember, anxiety is a passing emotional storm, not your permanent identity and just like a wave, it will peak and pass.
Name the need under the fear.
Every spike of anxiety carries a need underneath it — a need for reassurance, clarity, closeness, space, or safety. When you pause and ask, “What do I need right now?” you shift from reacting to relating.
This simple question helps you move from survival mode into connection with yourself. Over time, this builds a more secure internal base, one that doesn’t collapse every time anxiety rises.
Reconnecting with yourself
When anxiety strikes, it disconnects you from your body and leaves you without a sense of who you are. Part of the healing process is gently returning to yourself by noticing the sensations that are here, right now. Small deeds like grounding your feet on the floor, holding a hand on your chest, and slowly breathing all signal to your nervous system that you are safe, you are here, and you are not alone. Doing this over time can help you reconnect with your internal world and hold the fear you feel alongside the hope you crave.
I'd love to work with you.
Anxiety can make you feel incredibly isolated, but you do not have to face these heavy feelings alone. By understanding your attachment patterns, we can make sense of these overwhelming shifts and help you find your footing again.
If you are ready to explore the roots of your anxiety and reconnect with your life, I am here to support you.